So, i'm standing on my front porch this morning, vowing internally to vow to give up smoking once and for all, (gradually, of course) when it hits me: I do all of my pondering while i'm standing out there in my cheesy rubber shoe-dealies and my pyjamas, inhaling toxins. And i always seem to have these deep and silent revelations that dissapate as quickly as morning dew beneath a desert sun once i go back inside my apartment. I honestly wonder what all that is about, and whether or not it contributes to my general uselessness.
Anyhow, I started to record this incident as a result of one of those rapidly evaporating revelations and now i can't recall even a foggy wisp of what the hell i was doing it for. So, i will drift into the banality of my daily existence.
Today, for instance Michael and i slept in a bit, and then we read a book and watched one of his snuggy movies together, while i tried to accumulate all the things we'd need to get out the door properly. I had big plans to cover the two dollar and small change overdraft on my bloody bank account, then get some hot cocoa for snuggy and i from the coffeeshop where i am very rarely during the week, an employee.
After that, I dropped into the Umass Employment office to grab some paperwork and then it was off to the library to watch Snuggy run around with other kids and watch him try to get away with various things. He's just such a beautiful and vividly happy little person, and cheeky to boot. Sometimes i do wonder just what i've done to deserve this awesome little person in my life. I mean, hell, i do my part too, but sometimes i wonder if it's really only a reaction to his extreme awesomeness.
I've also been giving great deals of thought to all the painful remembrances from my past that keep drifting through my head randomly. Well, when i say painful, i should probably clarify that many memories cause me pain because I was the biggest asshole, or loser, or wanker, or choad, or idiot, or,,,, et. al ad nauseum. I mean, how much of my self image from certain parts of my past was real? What did others ACTUALLY see, and what was it that motivated what they said or did in relation to whatever persona i had it in my head that i was? Ahhhhh,, well, i'm not all that focused on the writing thing today, but hopefully i'll be more motivated about trying to catch some of the constantly arriving and departing trains of thought in my brain-station in the future?!
My apartment now smells like the delectable red-baron pizza that i just ovened up for myself and so Myah,, i'm done for now.

Greetings and salutations! While I have easy internet access and a few minutes to update my internet stuff, I figured i'd leave you a note on the blog too, just in case you think to check it! The picture of the mountains goes along with my personal yearning to see snow and to get north for awhile. Heheh,, i'm really just a mountain critter in tennis shoes :) Ooohh, I made a smoke ring~~ Neat. Anyway. I am going to go finish listening to Eminem and writing my boy a letter and then reading this ridiculous book that my boy has recommended. I also have to grab the Arlington school address for Joshua Matthew so I can guarantee he actually gets it. Peace, Love, and Bass..
Ryn

So, uh, although I have not posted in some time, I wish to come clean after all the lies. Chemical dependancy is enabling my rapid suicide. I have tried time and time again to figure out why I should want to commit suicide, rapid or slow and I have come to this conclusion:

I fear living.

I fear failure.

I like the easy path, as it requires nothing leaving me free to "give" my efforts to other places when in fact I give nothing of consequence to anyone at all.

I am pissed off and alienated from the main part of life (i.e. others) because I just can't get myhead around the concept of not being perfect.

My friend Teresa, a dear buddy who works locally and lives a few streets away.
A photograph of the first turned autumn foliage here in Worcester MA, at our local Stop and Shop Supermarket parking lot off of Rt. 122
Pre-caffeinated 'Shuah
This is that shrine on Von Trapp land that we used to stroll to.
From left to right, plucky and Eric hart.
On this, my birthday, I have decided to go on as normal, because hell, Gandi was also born today and he deserves waaaay more of a holiday than i do.

Me, being happy all alone on the mountain roads. I took this to answer my roommate when he called to ask me where and how I was.
The perfection of Stowe Vt. This picture contains all the things that make my life full and good. The mountains, my car, and the solitude of resting amongst all god's glorious creations.
VT- "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I took the one less travelled by,,,, and it has made all the difference." -Robert Frost.
A spectacular waterfall called Texas Falls, up in the northern mids of VT.
The lampposts at the Von Trapp Family Lodge: A return to childhood.
I am journeying with a friend over to a local establishment known as the Java Hut that will serve the meanest cup of coffee known to man. There's a warning label on it for caffeinated content. I can't wait :)

Here are some of the pictures taken on my Sojourn to VT: More about the 'Journ later.

From left to right,,, Case, Niki, and Pete, over at Sketch's piece.
Me being happy as captured by 'Shuah
Me being happy, as captured by our boy Jubes.
Ariana's dad, Wesley
Jakob and 'Shuah over at Sketch's while we worked on a thesis.
More pics, more peepz. I have to take a break to go out for coffee with a dear friend of mine, Michelle. *Shel-lee to us*

Hjeff a brother and roommate of mine from the Sigma Pi.
Dan(imal) one of my best friends from North Brookfield
Dave (Hoppfe) my neighbor and good friend.
Lunchbox, our pet raccoon, here at the 24 Underground.
Arsen, Eric Hart, and Plucky, (Hart and Plucky roommates and best friends from the Sigma Pi.)
So, more pictures, more places, and at the end, slash beginning of this blog will be my stunning photos of Vermont.

Sketchy Steve: My best friend, neighbor, and the little brother I should have had somehow.
Gabe, Lana and Myles, from the left to the right.
My dear buddy Jubes.
Taylor, from the Homecoming weekend, 2006, he's back from Florida, because well, Florida is just too wierd for us New England kids.
More pics.......... and the legend continues! MUAHAHAHAHAH

'Shuah taken while relaxing at Sketch's house.
Adrienne, my dear puppy buddy.
Chris and Joe Jalbert, from a recent gathering at Taylor's homestead.
Here are some more pics of my friends. Remember to read from the bottom up in terms of chronological postings.

My dearest friend, 'Shuah and our little buddy, Trincess.
Our Siberian Bear: Greg
My dearest one, Joshua Matthew, and my friend's daughter, Ariana, playing in her father Wesley's truck.
One of the few female friends with the moral, intellectual, and social fortitude to be one of my dearest friends at this time.
This is our boy Arsen. Yes, Arsen. He's from Russia, but you'd never know it, since he has embraced our local culture like a Worcester native.


So, since you too are riddled with limitations, in this case pertaining towards the meeting of my folk, and the understanding of MY world, I will present to you the still photos of the minutes and people of my life, in the hope that it will help you to finally come to love, and trust who I have become.

So, in the 27 years I've experienced this utterly consuming wonder of living, I have never once been able to express to you who I truly am, because when younger your rejection of any opinion other than your own truly frightened me into hiding anything that wouldn't quite fit.

This is my compassion, my explanation, my confession AND my absolution. From here on out, there won't be any more excuses between us.

I've been thinking lately, that since probably most of my life is already passed, and I'm going to be ekeing out a meagre subsistance for whatever remains of the rest of it, the least that I can do is try to share some of the information that I've collected for my trials and tribulations. My second goal is to enjoy my life to the fullest, so this means mostly reading, writing and eventually painting. *I do owe you one oil painting at the end of this year, as per our resolution agreement of early 2006, don't think that i have forgotten*

So, here is my gift to you: Ask me any question you like and it will be answered. This is a private blog, so only you, myself and of course, big brother will be able to read it. I have no interest in keeping my matters private, however, as there is nothing I have to hide, and whatever my life has been others would understand if they knew most of it.

The above photos were taken on a pilgrimmage that I made on my own one morning around 3:30 am to the mountains of Vermont. Only when ensconced in natural and majestic beauty do I feel that I am a part of the machinations of God's universe. The city, while interesting as a study of people, a collection of microcosms, usually makes me feel sick to the core of my soul. This is why I have chosen to settle in Worcester. It is mostly a city, without any of the undesirable side effects that most cities usually carry. I came here for college, and although I have discovered a great hatred for engineering in the common terms, I did discover a place that I could be happier than before.

After our discussion about not giving up vs. giving up I have decided to carry on as best as I can. Physical, mental, and sexual abuse over a lifetime have really made it impossible for me to have a "normal relationship" I just seem to pick people who aren't all that good for me,,, I have a deep and abiding loathing for children under my feet, which cancels any plans about having a family, and I have no extended family, or even immediate family with which to seek shelter, solace, or strength. I am a deeply religious person, intelligent and moral, and so seeing all the ignorance and hypocrisy inherant in organized religion precludes me from ever enjoying the organized religious communities, no matter which division. So, I will put my voice out in various media in order to bring some message of hope and love for this life for those out there who are like me.