So, uh, although I have not posted in some time, I wish to come clean after all the lies. Chemical dependancy is enabling my rapid suicide. I have tried time and time again to figure out why I should want to commit suicide, rapid or slow and I have come to this conclusion:

I fear living.

I fear failure.

I like the easy path, as it requires nothing leaving me free to "give" my efforts to other places when in fact I give nothing of consequence to anyone at all.

I am pissed off and alienated from the main part of life (i.e. others) because I just can't get myhead around the concept of not being perfect.